I’m struggling to accept the role my in-laws play in my life. This is after I discovered that the supposed savings my wife claimed she had when we were building our house, actually came from her father.

I’ve married into a farming family and have always got on really well with my in-laws including the three brothers-in-law who all live nearby.

When we started talking about building a house, my wife was keen to stay close to home. Her family kindly gifted us a site, and I was very grateful for the gesture. Without it, we would have struggled to afford the beautiful house we now live in with our young son.

The problem is I thought the cost of the build was being paid for by our mortgage and the savings we both brought into the relationship. But I have since learned that her savings were actually another gift from her family.

Money doesn’t seem to be an issue for my wife’s family but I am no charity case and I feel I’ve been undermined by her deception on this. She’s brushed it off as no big deal, but I want to repay the money, and it’s causing a lot of arguments.

I haven’t spoken to my father-in-law about it yet, but I feel I should as it is not sitting right with me. Any advice would be hugely appreciated.

- Munster reader

Dear reader,

It’s hard when we feel we have been deceived and it’s understandable you are upset by this revelation regarding money.

However, your letter doesn’t clarify how you came to this discovery. Nor do you mention when this money was gifted to your wife. If it was prior to your marriage, well then it isn’t really any of your business.

If the gift was directly linked to the house build, then you may have reason for complaint. Yet, you say your wife doesn’t see it as an issue, so I would be inclined to believe that whatever financial gift her family gave her had little or nothing to do with you.

It is difficult for couples who come from different financial backgrounds, as those with wealth don’t always appreciate the struggles those less fortunate than them experience.

In saying that, if your relationship is healthy and equal in every other respect, it would be foolish to allow this to cause any long-term damage.

That said, I think it’s reasonable that you want to clear the air with your father-in-law, who presumably is unaware that his generosity is causing marital strife for his daughter. But to do so without her agreement in terms of repaying the money could cause further problems.

Before you approach your father-in-law, I think you need to have a sit-down, frank conversation with your wife to explain the difficulty you have, both in her dishonesty and the acceptance of this money.

But be prepared to listen to her side of the story. You may have to accept that this money pre-dated your relationship and if that is the case you will have to find a way to come to terms with the issue.

That said, you will have grounds to ask your wife to be more open with you on such matters as deceit can lead to a lack of trust on a larger scale and that could be very detrimental to your relationship in the long-term.

Do you have a problem you would like to share? If so, write in confidence to: Dear Miriam, Agony Aunt, Irish Country Living, Irish Farmers Journal, Irish Farm Centre, Bluebell, Dublin 12, or email miriam@farmersjournal.ie