I have a problem that is causing me anxiety but I feel I have no one to turn to as it’s a bit delicate. I have always felt left out by some of my in-laws when I have to spend any time with them at social occasions.

My husband thinks a lot of his family and when I try to explain how some of them make me feel, he brushes off my comments saying he just wants to keep the peace. I feel that I have to accompany him to weddings and other family gatherings as he won’t go without me. The thing is, I absolutely hate attending these functions as I know I won’t feel welcome. Am I being unreasonable or should I just go to keep the peace?

- Catherine

Dear Catherine,

Family weddings and gatherings can sometimes be fraught with tension as the wider circle of siblings, in-laws and their children come together for what is essentially a happy occasion.

However, these situations force people together who otherwise may not spend too much time in each other’s company.

When you feel that you are being left out by your husband’s siblings and parents – your letter doesn’t clarify which of your in-laws make you feel uncomfortable – it can make a difficult situation even harder. Such feelings are not unreasonable and your peace is as important as anyone else’s.

I would try to discuss your concerns again with your husband, telling him that his need to keep the peace is affecting you – and potentially, your mental health.

He doesn’t need to take your side or even agree with you, but he does need to acknowledge your feelings which – rather than being brushed off – need to be considered as real and valid.

If he chooses not to attend family occasions on his own, that is his decision. But he should not force you to spend time with people who make you feel left out or inadequate. Nor should you take on the responsibility for his attendance at events. He is a grown man and his decisions are his own to make.

Your letter says that some of your in-laws make you feel this way. Are there other members of the extended family you have a better relationship with that you could seek out at family gatherings?

This might not work at smaller family gatherings but for bigger occasions such as a wedding (in a neutral venue), it could offer a compromise.

If you knew in advance that there were one or two people attending that you felt comfortable in their company, that would allow your husband to fulfil what he sees as his obligation, without causing you unnecessary discomfort.

You may have to draw the line at smaller functions, if those in-laws in attendance are people you do not enjoy spending time with.

The only way to work through this problem is to have another conversation with your husband, who needs to listen to your concerns and to be willing to work with you to find a solution.

By agreeing to attend some, but not all family occasions together, you will hopefully be able to keep everyone happy, including and most importantly yourself.

Do you have a problem you would like to share? If so, write in confidence to: Dear Miriam, Agony Aunt, Irish Country Living, Irish Farmers Journal, Irish Farm Centre, Bluebell, Dublin 12, or email miriam@farmersjournal.ie