Rural Life: stigma stops men seeking domestic abuse support

The common perception that victims of domestic abuse are always women and children is slowly being challenged as more male victims come forward to seek help and support.

As society comes to understand how complex domestic abuse is, and the various forms it takes, many men are realising that they are being abused by controlling and manipulating behaviour by their partners.

Over 9,500 calls were received by Men’s Aid, the national charity for supporting male victims of domestic abuse and their families in 2022.

The charity believes this figure represents just 5% of those who are affected by domestic abuse across the country.

Research is currently underway at Trinity College Dublin, led by Dr Melissa Corbally in conjunction with Men’s Aid to determine the different levels of abuse suffered by male victims and to analyse the relationships between victims and perpetrators.

“The stigma and society’s perception of what domestic violence is often stops men seeking help,” says Andrea McDermott, clinical manager with Men’s Aid.

“Some say they feel they won’t be believed because of their gender and physicality, or they will be ridiculed for not being able to protect themselves from the abuse. Sadly, some often say they are having suicidal thoughts because of years of abuse.”

Kevin’s story

Kevin, a father of two living in the west, says he has considered ending his life, such is the extent of the stress that he has been under in the past two years due to the emotional abuse he has suffered in the wake of his marriage breakdown.

“My ex-wife was granted a protection order against me when she decided she wanted out of our marriage, with no evidence ever produced before a judge as to why she needed one,” he explains.

“I’ve never been abusive to her in any shape or form and had no idea why the relationship ended. We tried mediation but that was a joke. The system is all wrong.

“The courtroom is so intimidating when you’re not given the chance to tell your side of the story and the way the legal system is set up, we aren’t able to tell the truth.

“I don’t sleep with the stress of fighting for access to my children which is going on two years at this stage and has cost me over €10,000 in legal fees. My children are being weaponised by my ex-wife as she continues to torture me long after the relationship has ended. I have been to counselling and I have often wondered if I have the strength to go on.”

Andrea says that ‘second wave’ abuse is very common among the clients Men’s Aid supports.

“Second wave abuse happens when the victim has escaped the relationship, but the abuse continues in other forms.

"Men tell us they are being threatened with violence when they collect their children for access; that false allegations are being made against them to Tusla, An Garda Síochána or the courts; or their ex-partner’s family is threatening to harm them. Sometimes their employer is being contacted which is putting their livelihood at risk.”

Darragh’s story

Darragh, a part-time beef farmer and father-of-three living in the north west region says his ex-partner tried to block a promotion at his workplace in one of countless attempts to bring him back to court for breaches of an agreed access court order.

“I got a promotion at work that moved me to a team leader and meant I went on to weekend shifts, because I was sick of missing the kids' matches and activities in the evenings during the week,” he explains.

“My ex-partner sent a solicitor’s letter to my employer trying to bring them to court for putting me on that shift. I was called in by HR to explain the situation but luckily, my supervisor knew what was going on. It didn’t come to anything but it could have cost me the promotion.”

Darragh says solicitors have told him the law will always favour the mother.

“From 2019 on, I was in court every month as she challenged every decision regarding the children. It has taken me nearly six years and over €40,000 in legal fees to have access to my children four days a week,” he says.

“I have been advised by the Gardaí to have cameras in my car and on my person to prove my innocence against the lies that have been told about me in court. Because we weren’t married, I have no rights.

"Three different solicitors have told me that the law favours the mother and it was only when I secured an independent psychologist’s report on my children that a judge accepted the reality of our situation and granted me joint custody and access rights.

“Even at that, I’ve been brought back to court on over 30 occasions challenging that access and breaches of the court order but the judges I’ve been before have had no interest in hearing my story. They believe everything my ex says because she is a mother.

“The Gardaí that have offered support can’t come into court to tell the truth of the situation either and if the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn’t be let near the children.”

Kevin agrees and says there should be more accountability among the legal profession.

“There are no checks and balances when it comes to applying for a protection order, and in the case where the woman seeking it is found to be lying, there are no consequences,” he says.

Daithí Cronin, a Court Support Officer with Men’s Aid and retired Garda Sergeant says, “There is a strong case for dedicated family law judges as it’s a very complicated area,” he said.

“I have come across cases where a judge has refused to deal with a Protection Order application when he saw it was from a man.

“I understand the perception out there that it’s always the man’s fault but when it comes to coercive control and emotional and financial abuse, women are more than capable of inflicting absolute hell on their partners too.”

Public perception

Andrea says she is seeing positive change when it comes to supporting men, but there is a lot of work still to be done.

“In my 15 years working with victims of domestic violence and coercive control, I have seen a positive change in attitude and support towards all victims. It is important that they know they will be heard and supported,” she says.

Andrea says victims of male domestic abuse come from every demographic; age, class, socio-economic status, educational achievement, gender, race, ethnicity, sexual preference, religion, physical ability, or employment.

No one is completely immune.

“We will always try and empower our service users to report the abuse and will support them to do this while we remain conscious that it is not our position to tell the man what to do. We will meet them where they are and support them in their decisions,” she adds.

“Sometimes they are seeking information on how to help their abusive partner as they feel it’s not her/ his fault as they may have had a difficult childhood or experience that makes them lash out.

"In some cases, they have normalised this behaviour. Shame, misplaced guilt, fear of not being believed or worries around escalation and increased violence are all barriers for men reaching out.

"Added to this for people in the LGBTQIA+ community, is the fear of having their sexuality disclosed without their permission or feeling they won’t be believed if they do report the abuse.”

Names have been changed to protect identities of those who spoke to Irish Country Living.