Supporting abusers who want to change their ways

When we hear of domestic abuse, our instinct is to empathise with the victims – who are predominantly women and children exposed to violence inflicted by husbands and fathers in the home.

But what if the narrative changed and more support and understanding was also directed towards those who carry out such abuse?

With the true extent of domestic abuse believed to be considerably higher than the statistics published by organisations such as Women’s Aid – over 40,000 disclosures of abuse were made to the charity in 2023 – a Co Tipperary charity is working to rehabilitate those who perpetrate this type of violence.

MOVE (Men Overcoming Violence) Ireland has its head office in Clonmel, but delivers rehabilitation programmes and domestic abuse supports across the country.

The agency’s strategic plan for 2025-2029 was developed with the huge increase in calls for help from men who are abusive to their loved ones. There had been a 400% increase in calls to the charity in 2024.

Mental health issues were reported in a third of cases with addiction present in 50% of those who had sought help. Exposure to violence, abuse or neglect in childhood is a key factor, as it can normalise violent behaviour. Of those clients to present to the service, 10% have dyslexia, or literacy issues.

Reactive approach

MOVE Ireland chief executive Michelle Walsh believes that society needs to reframe the issue to move closer to a world without gender-based violence.“We are working towards ensuring a safer future for all and our vision is one of an Ireland without intimate partner abuse,” she says.

“Society has generally provided a reactive instead of a proactive approach to domestic, sexual, gender-based violence (DSGBV) and it also frames it as a women’s issue.

“We know that anywhere a survivor of domestic abuse presents in this country, there are pathways to support. If you walk into work, college or even the hairdresser, we are educating people as to where they can point survivors to the support they need.

“But if you’re a man who is perpetrating violence and you want help to stop, where do you go?

“We need to put these kinds of structures in place for men because there needs to be the same level of services so that when a man looks for help or support there are interventions there to help him.”

The service offers a range of supports to both perpetrators and their victims, with group and individual supports for men who have been violent and/or abusive in their relationships.

The Choices programme is a national intervention programme introduced by COSC, the precursor to Cuan, the statutory agency dedicated to tackling and reducing domestic, sexual and gender based violence. It is delivered by MOVE Ireland and involves group work intervention that teaches men about the impact of their destructive behaviour. It also supports them to develop the necessary skills to live non-abusively.

Prevention and protection

The programme covers six modules, delivered over 23 group sessions, that include emotional intimacy, respect, parenting, gender, sexual respect and support and trust. Men are also taught mindfulness techniques that help them become aware of triggers as well as developing the ability to observe and change their responses and reactions.

Dr Stephanie O’Keeffe, CEO of Cuan believes the work carried out by MOVE Ireland is fundamental to help reduce the prevalence of gender-based violence.

“When we think of prevention and protection, we may predominately think about the victims – the awareness-raising campaigns letting them know that help is always here for them, or the refuges providing shelter for those fleeing domestic violence.

“But prevention and protection are as much a part of perpetrator programmes as any other DSGBV services,” she says.

“By working with perpetrators and their partners/ex-partners, MOVE Ireland helps to both protect victims and prevent repeat offences by the perpetrator.

“Cuan funds a number of perpetrator programmes, including the Choices programme, which helps perpetrators understand and recognise the need to change their behaviour.

“Concurrently the designated support service in place for victims whose partner/ex-partner is undertaking the programme sets up a plan of structured and regular support to meet the victim’s needs.”

Michelle believes that only by destigmatising working with perpetrators will society come to accept the importance of the work being done by agencies such as MOVE Ireland.

People come from all walks of life and we can’t continue the narrative that men can’t change because that is a load of rubbish, everybody can change if they want to

“The Choices programme is a way to provide accountability and rehabilitation for perpetrators,” says Michelle.

“There’s a lot of minimisation and denial that comes at the start of the programme for those men taking part.

“Most men will react by saying they aren’t guilty of domestic violence because they didn’t hit their partner.”

However, Michelle says those men who have completed the Choices programme have proven that attitudes and actions can and do change. “People come from all walks of life and we can’t continue the narrative that men can’t change because that is a load of rubbish, everybody can change if they want to,” she says.

One man, who almost lost his family due to his violent behaviour, credits MOVE Ireland with helping him to turn his life around.

David is a father of four from the Leinster area who was jailed in 2022 for assaulting his partner and mother of his children, whom he threatened to kill. It was a condition of his prison release that he take part in the Choices programme.

“I came out of prison in January and started the Choices programme in March, after an initial four-week assessment. I had realised being away from my family that things had to change. I’m lucky in that I was able to save my relationship but I don’t think if my partner had asked me to go on the programme, that it would have worked. I probably would have done it to keep her happy, but this was something that I had to do for myself. I knew I had hit rock bottom,” he says.

“I used to make excuses and justify my behaviour, which involved a lot of coercive control, before I physically attacked my partner. But when she stood in the court at my bail hearing, and told the judge she was scared of me and believed I was capable of killing her, that hurt so much. To know I had done that to her, I knew I had to change.

Getting suppport

“I needed the help to understand what domestic violence is and what it was about me that made me behave that way. Some weeks were very tough, but overall, it helped me see who I was.

“The parenting module, where the facilitators role-play situations that you would describe that had happened in your home, was very tough. They brought me back to being a child myself.

"Imagining that I made my children feel that scared in their own home, the youngest is four-years-old, was horrible. It frightened me to realise the emotional and mental abuse I put them through seeing the way I treated their Mam. That hurt helped me in a way to keep going with the programme and to put the work in.

“The programme helped me to move forward in my life. Now I still need help and guidance at times, but my partner helps with that where she can spot the triggers or if my mood is sliding and she’ll suggest I go for a walk or to the gym. We both know I need that release and it makes all the difference. Just taking that time out and knowing what’s good for me and what isn’t.

“Wanting help and looking for help are two very different things. The way I was brought up, it was seen as a sign of weakness. I had never heard of MOVE Ireland and while it has been a huge help to me, not enough people know about it or the difference it can make. Unless men reach out, things aren’t going to change.

“Education is key, but so too is getting the message out there to the wider public that this programme exists and is offering men the help they need.”