Dear Miriam,

I’ve just turned 40, but feel a little lost. I’m the youngest in my family and have older siblings who are married with kids. I am single, childless and living with a parent who is in good health. We get on great, but I long to have my own house and independence. I will inherit this house someday.

I was always a shy person when it came to dating and didn’t meet “the one." I always liked the idea of adopting if I never had children and giving a child a loving home. But now, I fear I have left it too late.

My friends are all married with kids, so socialising with them is non-existent. I have joined one or two groups that I love going to, but it tends to be the older generation.

I did give match-making a go in recent years, but never found anyone I connected with.

I am coming to the conclusion that I will be relying on my nieces and nephews to look after me when I get older. But I just feel I have so much love to give and find it hard to accept that I will never meet anyone and have a family.

I am a positive person and don’t feel the need to talk to a counsellor. I know you will probably say, “Well, do new hobbies and meet new people”, but it’s so hard to meet like-minded, single people in rural Ireland who don’t already have kids or ties, or to find something else that I enjoy doing.

I have a good job, I just seem a bit lost. Any ideas would be great as to what I should do next or fill my time with.

Happy-go-lucky girl

Dear Happy-go-lucky girl,

Thanks for your letter. I know a lot of readers will identify with what you have written.

You seem like a positive, proactive person with much to be grateful for: a good job, secure home, hobbies, and family and friends who I’m sure love you very much. However, you have other hopes too and it’s natural that a milestone like turning 40 might prompt you to ponder, “What’s next?” It’s clear that a life partner is something you wish for.

I understand it is difficult to meet people today, especially when your peers have settled down. I would just gently encourage you not to give up: mostly, on yourself.

Maybe the dating service is worth revisiting? Maybe a friend might know somebody who is now single and in a similar situation? Maybe there is a social event you might like to try?

For example, there is a company called Korina Duffy Eco Fitness that runs events for singles nationwide, such as walks and BBQs (visit ecofitness.ie and scroll to ‘solo events’).

I understand it is difficult to meet people today, especially when your peers have settled down. I would just gently encourage you not to give up: mostly, on yourself

I appreciate it is hard to put yourself out there. But when you consider that other people are in the same boat, it might seem less daunting; especially if you approach it as simply trying something new and widening your social circle, and staying open to wherever that leads.

Your love of children is also clear. I would not write off that dream of a family of your own just yet. But there are also other ways to have children in your life.

Maybe it’s volunteering with a kids’ charity? Maybe it’s exploring something like fostering, if you feel that might be compatible with your home/work life? You have so much love to give. There are many avenues for that love.

I know you don’t feel the need to speak to a counsellor. But if you are a little lost, maybe a life coach could support you to set goals that will bring you joy, independence and a renewed sense of purpose?

I truly wish you the very best.

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