Do you remember the first time you had ‘the talk’? Maybe it was a sit-down chat, maybe you were handed a book or perhaps the whole thing was sort of hurriedly brushed over in a car journey.
Parents can feel awkward about broaching the topic of sexuality and relationships with their children, but it is an important part of parental communication and of a child’s development.
Sexuality is different from sex.
Sexuality is how we feel about ourselves and how we form relationships; sex refers to sexual contact and activity.
Parents are encouraged to talk to their children about sexuality and relationships in age-appropriate ways, just like how they do with other physical, mental and social components of a child’s wellbeing.
Message to parents
“I think the message we want to get across to parents is they’re doing a lot of this [education on sexuality and relationships] anyway,” says Moira Germaine, the education and training manager for the HSE Sexual Health Programme, which leads a lot of the national sexual health strategy actions with the Department of Health.
“You’re doing it from the minute the child is born. The way you hold the child, the way you smile at them, the way you interact with them. As they’re growing up, you teach them to interact respectfully with others and to expect respect.”
Parents are children’s earliest educators and little ones pick up a lot about relationships from interacting with family.
“All those consent messages can happen at a very early age are just part of the normal stuff that parents do and don’t realise they’re doing,” adds Moira.
There are future health benefits to parents having more open conversations with their children about relationships and sexuality topics, including when it comes to deciding when to have sex for the first time, and whether to use contraception.
Conversations
“Children and young people who have had these ongoing conversations about healthy relationships, respect, empathy, about their rights and responsibilities and all those sort of things are going to be in a much better place to make good decisions in their intimate relationships later on in life, and also to seek help when they need it,” says Moira.
What is covered at school?
Moira and her team help to develop resources for schools with the Department of Education and the National Council for Curriculum and Assessment. Relationships and Sexuality Education (RSE) is a part of the primary and post-primary SPHE (Social, Personal and Health Education) curriculum.
Moira Germaine, the education and training manager for the HSE sexual health programme
However, the content depends on the age of the learners. For instance, the content for younger years (five to eight years old) is mainly focused on feelings, how we talk to each other, and they begin to develop the language skills to talk about developing bodies appropriately. As children age (eight to 10 years old), they start to learn about how bodies change over time, and at 11-12 years old, they start to cover the physical and emotional changes of puberty and the basics of reproduction.
It’s also alright to say, ‘I’m not sure if that’s appropriate for your age
In secondary school (13-18 years old), young people continue to learn about healthy relationships and the physical, emotional and social aspects of reproductive and sexual health, including how to keep themselves safer in adult life if they are sexually active.
As primary educators, parents have a right to request that their child opt out of any learning that isn’t in line with their values, including SPHE. Once a student turns 18, they have a right to decide for themselves if they wish to particate in learning.
For parents who are worried about what their children are learning in school, it is important to familiarise yourself with the curriculum. The National Council for Curriculum and Assessment has a list of online toolkits for the primary, junior and senior cycle and includes information on what topics are covered in each class.
Moira advises parents not to assume that schools cover everything for their children. “It’s a class with 20 odd kids, so they can talk about some of these things and normalise the conversations and people can get different perspectives, but it’s in the home that children actually get to ask questions.”
Pam O'Leary, guidance counsellor and Social, Personal and Health Education (SPHE) teacher at Cork Educate Together Secondary School.
Guidance counsellor and Social, Personal and Health Education (SPHE) teacher at Cork Educate Together Secondary School, Pam O’Leary, is well used to talking about sexuality and relationships with children and teens as a teacher and the co-author of the SPHE textbook, My Wellbeing Journey. But Pam has also navigated the sometimes-tricky terrain as the parent of two girls aged 11 and 15.
Pam begins by saying that: “conversations always need to align with your own family values. There are different types of families who have different types of values – from families who are very open and discuss everything to families that find it a little bit more difficult and discomfort is normal.
“Thinking about my own journey as a parent as well, I suppose I didn’t grow up with very open conversations in my household. So I did find it a little bit difficult when I had children myself and they were asking questions, I was a bit awkward and uncomfortable.
But I have to balance that discomfort with wanting to give my kids the information that they need in order to navigate the world.”
While ‘the talk’ is often framed as just that – one excruciating talk – Pam emphasises that this is about an ongoing conversation. “There’s no one big talk or one book that you put on the bed, that doesn’t really work. It’s many small talks.
“One talk makes children almost feel like it’s taboo, and they’re scared because it’s like one big talk, and then it’s over, and they’re not allowed to ask any questions after that. All kids start with questions that they might have about themselves, about their bodies or other people’s bodies. It’s curious, and it’s natural, and it’s just having those little conversations and maybe trying to answer the question.”
And if you don’t know the answer? “It’s okay to say: I’m not sure, or I’ll find out for you and we can talk about it later. “You don’t have to have every answer on the spot, because you might not have it,” says Pam, who says it’s important to come back to it in the future, rather than ignore it.
“It’s also alright to say, ‘I’m not sure if that’s appropriate for your age.’ My daughter has often asked me questions where I’ll reply to her by saying: ‘I don’t know if that’s okay for your age, but we might talk about it when you’re a little bit older.’ It’s following your instincts about your child because you know them best.”
Calls from parents
She adds that parents can also talk to their child’s teacher if they have more questions. “I often take calls from parents if they’re worried about something or a topic has come up at home. Schools are usually quite open and receive calls from parents if they’re worried.
“Parents might hear a topic is coming up, and be afraid of it, say sex is coming up for sixth class, and parents are going, ‘how will this pan out at home?’ It’s really good to have communication with the school and say, ‘what exactly are you talking about in the next couple of weeks?’
“Then you can follow on the conversation at home, and it’ll be easier to chat to them. It’s really good to have that link between home and school,” she says.
Pam likes to use books and videos to supplement conversations with children and teens. “I use a lot of body books, like what’s happening in my body. I feel strongly that children need to know the real names of their body parts for social and medical reasons. For example, if they have a pain in a part of their body, it’s important for them to be able to name that,” she says.
Busy Body booklets for children cover the topics of puberty and adolescence.
“I’ve had situations where the kids have asked me question about their body. Sometimes, I would say, ‘let’s have a look at the book and see what it says. It just takes the pressure off and keeps it simple and factual.”
Do you remember the first time you had ‘the talk’? Maybe it was a sit-down chat, maybe you were handed a book or perhaps the whole thing was sort of hurriedly brushed over in a car journey.
Parents can feel awkward about broaching the topic of sexuality and relationships with their children, but it is an important part of parental communication and of a child’s development.
Sexuality is different from sex.
Sexuality is how we feel about ourselves and how we form relationships; sex refers to sexual contact and activity.
Parents are encouraged to talk to their children about sexuality and relationships in age-appropriate ways, just like how they do with other physical, mental and social components of a child’s wellbeing.
Message to parents
“I think the message we want to get across to parents is they’re doing a lot of this [education on sexuality and relationships] anyway,” says Moira Germaine, the education and training manager for the HSE Sexual Health Programme, which leads a lot of the national sexual health strategy actions with the Department of Health.
“You’re doing it from the minute the child is born. The way you hold the child, the way you smile at them, the way you interact with them. As they’re growing up, you teach them to interact respectfully with others and to expect respect.”
Parents are children’s earliest educators and little ones pick up a lot about relationships from interacting with family.
“All those consent messages can happen at a very early age are just part of the normal stuff that parents do and don’t realise they’re doing,” adds Moira.
There are future health benefits to parents having more open conversations with their children about relationships and sexuality topics, including when it comes to deciding when to have sex for the first time, and whether to use contraception.
Conversations
“Children and young people who have had these ongoing conversations about healthy relationships, respect, empathy, about their rights and responsibilities and all those sort of things are going to be in a much better place to make good decisions in their intimate relationships later on in life, and also to seek help when they need it,” says Moira.
What is covered at school?
Moira and her team help to develop resources for schools with the Department of Education and the National Council for Curriculum and Assessment. Relationships and Sexuality Education (RSE) is a part of the primary and post-primary SPHE (Social, Personal and Health Education) curriculum.
Moira Germaine, the education and training manager for the HSE sexual health programme
However, the content depends on the age of the learners. For instance, the content for younger years (five to eight years old) is mainly focused on feelings, how we talk to each other, and they begin to develop the language skills to talk about developing bodies appropriately. As children age (eight to 10 years old), they start to learn about how bodies change over time, and at 11-12 years old, they start to cover the physical and emotional changes of puberty and the basics of reproduction.
It’s also alright to say, ‘I’m not sure if that’s appropriate for your age
In secondary school (13-18 years old), young people continue to learn about healthy relationships and the physical, emotional and social aspects of reproductive and sexual health, including how to keep themselves safer in adult life if they are sexually active.
As primary educators, parents have a right to request that their child opt out of any learning that isn’t in line with their values, including SPHE. Once a student turns 18, they have a right to decide for themselves if they wish to particate in learning.
For parents who are worried about what their children are learning in school, it is important to familiarise yourself with the curriculum. The National Council for Curriculum and Assessment has a list of online toolkits for the primary, junior and senior cycle and includes information on what topics are covered in each class.
Moira advises parents not to assume that schools cover everything for their children. “It’s a class with 20 odd kids, so they can talk about some of these things and normalise the conversations and people can get different perspectives, but it’s in the home that children actually get to ask questions.”
Pam O'Leary, guidance counsellor and Social, Personal and Health Education (SPHE) teacher at Cork Educate Together Secondary School.
Guidance counsellor and Social, Personal and Health Education (SPHE) teacher at Cork Educate Together Secondary School, Pam O’Leary, is well used to talking about sexuality and relationships with children and teens as a teacher and the co-author of the SPHE textbook, My Wellbeing Journey. But Pam has also navigated the sometimes-tricky terrain as the parent of two girls aged 11 and 15.
Pam begins by saying that: “conversations always need to align with your own family values. There are different types of families who have different types of values – from families who are very open and discuss everything to families that find it a little bit more difficult and discomfort is normal.
“Thinking about my own journey as a parent as well, I suppose I didn’t grow up with very open conversations in my household. So I did find it a little bit difficult when I had children myself and they were asking questions, I was a bit awkward and uncomfortable.
But I have to balance that discomfort with wanting to give my kids the information that they need in order to navigate the world.”
While ‘the talk’ is often framed as just that – one excruciating talk – Pam emphasises that this is about an ongoing conversation. “There’s no one big talk or one book that you put on the bed, that doesn’t really work. It’s many small talks.
“One talk makes children almost feel like it’s taboo, and they’re scared because it’s like one big talk, and then it’s over, and they’re not allowed to ask any questions after that. All kids start with questions that they might have about themselves, about their bodies or other people’s bodies. It’s curious, and it’s natural, and it’s just having those little conversations and maybe trying to answer the question.”
And if you don’t know the answer? “It’s okay to say: I’m not sure, or I’ll find out for you and we can talk about it later. “You don’t have to have every answer on the spot, because you might not have it,” says Pam, who says it’s important to come back to it in the future, rather than ignore it.
“It’s also alright to say, ‘I’m not sure if that’s appropriate for your age.’ My daughter has often asked me questions where I’ll reply to her by saying: ‘I don’t know if that’s okay for your age, but we might talk about it when you’re a little bit older.’ It’s following your instincts about your child because you know them best.”
Calls from parents
She adds that parents can also talk to their child’s teacher if they have more questions. “I often take calls from parents if they’re worried about something or a topic has come up at home. Schools are usually quite open and receive calls from parents if they’re worried.
“Parents might hear a topic is coming up, and be afraid of it, say sex is coming up for sixth class, and parents are going, ‘how will this pan out at home?’ It’s really good to have communication with the school and say, ‘what exactly are you talking about in the next couple of weeks?’
“Then you can follow on the conversation at home, and it’ll be easier to chat to them. It’s really good to have that link between home and school,” she says.
Pam likes to use books and videos to supplement conversations with children and teens. “I use a lot of body books, like what’s happening in my body. I feel strongly that children need to know the real names of their body parts for social and medical reasons. For example, if they have a pain in a part of their body, it’s important for them to be able to name that,” she says.
Busy Body booklets for children cover the topics of puberty and adolescence.
“I’ve had situations where the kids have asked me question about their body. Sometimes, I would say, ‘let’s have a look at the book and see what it says. It just takes the pressure off and keeps it simple and factual.”
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