Desperate Farmhusband: never, ever, be too positive about farming

The first few months of the year can really test you as a spring calving dairy farmer. No matter what you plan for, there is always something that will go wrong, and you have to be mentally and physically strong to face it.

I have always wondered why older farmers always seemed just a bit grumpy, but then I realised: it’s a defence mechanism. You see, farmers don’t like to admit it, but we are a superstitious bunch. Most of us believe that if you utter the words “it’s going great” or “sure, we are flying it”, you’re going to bring a whole load of bad voodoo on top of you.

That’s why a typical farmer would usually say, when asked how the farm is going, “’tis grand” or “we are surviving”. Don’t even think about bringing a bit more positivity to that response.

Of course, I committed the mortal sin of turning to the wife after just two weeks into calving, claiming “this calving season is going great”.

I knew when the words left my month that there would be hell to pay.

It didn’t happen straight away, but I started to see the signs. Actually, I couldn’t see the signs, because the first things to go wrong were the lights in milking parlour. They would start to flicker, and then every time I hit a switch, the fuse would go.

I tried replacing the fuse, thinking maybe water got in to it, but no – it just got worse. Then, one evening, my pulsators (the suction device which you attach to the cows’ teats – they’re kind of important) stopped working. I knew, then, that the problem was more than just one fuse.

Luckily, four out of 10 clusters were still working and sure I could still work in the dark – that’s what torches are for. The next morning, I had our electrician out to investigate.

The culprits? Two rats decided to make a home in the wires, chewing through whichever ones they fancied as they went along their merry way. How they didn’t get electrocuted or start a fire, I will never know.

It took several days to fix all of the damage they caused – we had to pull up floor boards and take down ceiling panels; practically rewiring the entire milking parlour. Anyway, we got there in the end, but as we were fixing that problem, disaster number two hit.

If your tank is broken, it could affect the milk in the tank, and in the entire milk truck after it’s collected. This could lead to massive fines

What would you say is the most important piece of equipment for a dairy farmer, aside from the milking machine? You guessed it: the refrigerated tank where the milk is stored.

After just five years, our tank decided to pack it in. Not a great time of year to break, just as I’m starting to get milk out to the creamery again. After all, if your tank is broken, it could affect the milk in the tank, and in the entire milk truck after it’s collected. This could lead to massive fines.

Long story short, I had to get it replaced. The old one got taken out, a temporary one was put in. Keep in mind, while this was happening I was still calving, had no lights and only four clusters were working. God almighty, please let nothing else go wrong. But of course, along came disaster number three (because you know what they say about bad things happening in threes).

This time it was animal-related; concerning a three-year-old bull. I came out one morning and found him with his four legs up in the air. I could not figure out what he did to himself.

Now, this bull wouldn’t have been the smartest. At times, I’d have seen him walk into walls. He would also frequently “leap before he looked”. The only thing I could think of was maybe he was a little bit blind. Or maybe he was just thick, but I don’t think you can die from stupidity.

Now I am just hoping and praying my bad luck is behind me. The evenings are getting longer; the days that bit warmer. I will have my relief milker back soon.

I might finally see my family again. This time of year is a strain on them, too, and I feel guilty because I come in exhausted and grumpy most nights.

I don’t know what kind of example I’m setting for the kids, but I do hope they see that their dad doesn’t give up when he’s faced with a challenge.

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