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Dear Miriam,
One of my best friends is getting married in a few weeks. My ex-boyfriend is good friends with her husband-to-be. I had expected that he would be invited to the wedding and I was bracing myself for that.
We are both adults, after all, and it’s our friends’ big day.
I was sure that I could muster a few civil words if required, but otherwise, I was planning to stay clear of him. But last week, my friend rang me up to say that my ex was planning to bring his new girlfriend as his “plus one."
We only broke up six months ago, after five years together. I won’t go into all of that here, only to say that while it was hard after so long together, it was the right decision.
I had a suspicion that he had started seeing someone else since, but I would never have expected him to bring her to this wedding.
For one, it feels like a big step so early in their relationship. Also, he knows that I will definitely be there, which I would have thought would be awkward for him too.
I have not met anybody since the break-up and was not planning to bring my own guest, as a lot of my friends will be there anyway. But I don’t know: I just feel a bit vulnerable now.
Maybe you think I’m being silly and that I just need to grow up. But I would appreciate any tips that might help on the day.
Lorraine, Munster
Dear Lorraine,
Thanks for your email. I don’t think you are being silly at all – you are just being human.
Five years is a long time to spend with somebody. It was always going to be a bit strange seeing your ex with a new girlfriend for the first time; even if it was in the supermarket.
The fact that it’s going to be at your friends’ wedding – and that you have advance warning – has probably heightened the anxiety. So, let’s just take a step back for a moment and think things through.
As you state yourself, while difficult, the break-up was for the best.
You are not pining for this ex-boyfriend. You are not out to impress, or to show him what he is missing. You know your own worth. You have nothing at all to prove to him, to his new girlfriend or to anybody else.
Your only responsibility is to enjoy the day.
Five years is a long time to spend with somebody. It was always going to be a bit strange seeing your ex with a new girlfriend for the first time; even if it was in the supermarket.
It’s natural to feel nervous. However, the reality is that if this is anything like a regular Irish wedding, there will be so many people there, that the most you might have to contend with is a bit of small-talk by the cocktail sausages.
I assume that the bride is sensitive enough to sit you at a different table with your own group.
You could also flag the situation with a few of your friends, so that they will be looking out for you, for a bit of moral support.
Treat yourself on the day, maybe that’s getting your make-up or hair done or wearing an outfit that you love, not for your ex’s benefit, just so you can put your best foot forward in every sense.
Enjoy the day, but I would caution you to watch your alcohol intake so you don’t say something you might regret afterwards.
Referring to the letter, “How can we repair family fall-out?” in the 29 June edition, the problem lies in the universal, ubiquitous powder keg which is the in-law relationship.
In this case, the daughter-in-law comes from a culture where the tribe helps rear the child. Therefore, she expected her new ‘sister’ to fall into this custom and be available to assist.
Furthermore, as the daughter-in-law has possibly moved to her husband’s homeland and away from her own, she may feel entitled to expect such support from her newly acquired family.
On the other hand, the daughter has a more modern take on her brother’s family, namely, “You had them, they’re your kids, you rear them.”
So, what might the heart-scalded mother/mother-in-law who’s caught in the middle do? I think your suggestion of a neutral family member acting as a medium might be worth a go. No harm in trying.
Beyond that, it’s possibly best if she keeps out of it, except to visit her son’s house herself while her daughter lives at home, and to request that the children be brought down occasionally to see their aunt.
The rift is between adults, and she has to mind herself too.
And by the way, the son is wise to side with his wife. A man who does not sounds the death-knell for his marriage.
Experienced in-law combatant
Hi Miriam,
This is an age old ‘expectation ‘and an unfair one in my opinion (How can we repair family fallout, published 29 June edition).
One of my sisters was single and had no children and also had lots of time off in summer months. My older sister often asked where is ‘that sister’ if I needed help but I wouldn’t expect her to help any more than any other family member.
After all she chose not to have children and was entitled to spend her time however she wished and to enjoy it.
I think this lady is overstepping the mark expecting her sister-in-law to help out more with the children. If she was using her head, she could have an ally in this lady who is free during the summer months.
It sounds like they are two separate individuals with very different opinions on life.
It is a pity when a situation like this arises but it sounds like there was a problem there already and this brought it to a head.
I experienced uncomfortable situations at times with female in-laws and it wasn’t always possible to address the situation but when I did it improved relationships big time.
Best of luck to this mum,
Fiona
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