Dear Miriam,
I was all set to attend the wedding of a good friend earlier this summer. Sadly, a few days before the big day, I had a miscarriage. While I opted for medical management (medication) at home, I was in no state physically to attend the wedding, not to mind emotionally.
I texted my friend to let her know what had happened and that I would not be able to come, though I did not go into the full details of what medical management entailed.
She eventually responded that she was sorry to hear that I would not be able to attend, but that was about the extent of it. I put her response down to pre-wedding stress and still sent on a card and gift as planned.
I thought I might hear from her after she came back from her honeymoon and that we might be able to catch up properly then and I could explain everything. I sent her a message to let me know when she might be free. She gave it a “thumbs up” on WhatsApp, but that is it so far.
She has been home a few weeks now at this stage. It feels like she is upset or annoyed at me for missing the wedding. I appreciate that it might have caused some inconvenience with the seating plan or maybe she was still charged for our meals. But it was just an impossible situation.
My husband says that if she was a real friend, she would have prioritised meeting me after getting home. He thinks that she is selfish and self-obsessed and that I’m better off without someone like that in my life.
However, I don’t want to lose a friend on top of everything else. Maybe she just does not understand the reality of miscarriage. I didn’t really, until I experienced it myself.
What do you think, Miriam? Should I try to extend the olive branch once again? Or leave it be?
Caroline, Munster
Dear Caroline,
First of all, I would just like to offer you my sympathy on your recent and very real loss. Miscarriage can be a very lonely place. I hope that you feel supported by your loved ones at this time.
Don’t be afraid either to reach out to the bereavement loss services at your maternity hospital or to groups like The Miscarriage Association of Ireland, which offer supports including a helpline and group meetings with people who know exactly how you feel (see miscarriage.ie).
You did everything that you could – and more than anybody would expect – at a very difficult time in your life.
As for your friend? To be honest, I’d tend to side with your husband.
The reality is that the best day of her life was probably one of the worst days of your life.
I can perhaps understand why she did not have the chance to reach out to you properly in the run-up to her wedding – you probably had enough to be dealing with anyway. But the silence since? It’s hard to excuse that.
You did everything that you could – and more than anybody would expect – at a very difficult time in your life. Your friend may not have experienced miscarriage herself to fully understand what you have been though, and hopefully, she never will.
But surely, she does not need to have lived that reality in order to put herself in your shoes for a moment?
If she does reach out to meet up, see how you feel about it then. Perhaps she has been struggling with what to say, hence her reluctance.
So, you can leave the door open; but you have already done enough to reach out to her. Instead, put your time and effort into being extra kind to yourself and being with those who have supported you.
Times like these can show who your true friends are. Wishing you peace and healing in the weeks and months ahead.
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