Celebrating strength this Mother's Day

This Mother’s Day I want to give a shout out to the mums out there raising children solo.

Being a solo parent today comes with challenges and it definitely takes resilience, love and determination.

Many years ago I had a brief insight into parenting young children solo when my husband had surgery that meant he was unable to help me for several months.

One night when both the girls, then aged under two, had a tummy bug I was changing and cleaning up one or the other all night. By morning they were sleeping on pillowcases as I had run out of clean cot sheets and there was gunge all over my PJs and hair. I can still remember the feeling of complete exhaustion and despondency. This was just one bad night. I thought then how do single parents do this every day?

Being a solo parent comes with its challenges including exhaustion, financial struggles and the day-to-day logistics. Imagine how those challenges were compounded in the past with societal judgement and worse?

In the past, Ireland treated many single mothers – or unmarried as they were referred to back then – with cruelty and contempt. Many made the difficult decision to give their baby up for adoption and many more had that decision made for them without their consent. That heartache continues as adults try to find birth parents. These searches, and in some cases meetings, come with many different emotions and outcomes.

Biggest challenges

Thankfully, times have changed, but some of the biggest challenges today are financial. Statistically, it is more probable that single parents will experience poverty. According to the ESRI, lone parents are three times more likely to be economically vulnerable compared to these in two parent families.

Childcare in Ireland is very expensive.

Solo parents are not only paying to run the household with one salary but often have to pay for additional hours. I have seen first hand the panic on a mother’s face when she’s away for work and misses the train home.

Numerous phone calls are required to get the child picked up and minded until she gets a later train. Some employers are great but many are not. Flexible work hours are not always available, particularly in rural areas.

The logistics involved in day care, school, and after school activities when you are a solo parent are phenomenal.

Throw in dental appointments, or other medical appointments which take place during work hours, and it’s a constant juggle. They really need good friends to help out with pick ups and drop offs.

As children get older, there are different challenges. Our daughters were in their mid teens when my husband died.

Apart from dealing with our grief, there were added logistics. We were down to one car, one driver. You want your children to do things and go to the events that their peers are going to. I would listen to them chatting about a Foroige meeting or a school disco and hope they were both going. If not, I would be mentally figuring out who had to be dropped off first, the best route and how I could explain to the other they might be a bit late.

Other opinion

But what I missed most was the other opinion. Should they be allowed to go to a disco or the school trip abroad? What about their CAO form? What about their subject choices for the Leaving Cert?

Despite all of the above, the joys of motherhood are fantastic. I have heard many an adult raised by a single mom praise her for her love, resilience and strength. They speak of the deep connection and bond that exists between them.

There are mothers raising children on their own for a variety of reasons and with a variety of family and friend supports. There are also networks and advocacy groups that support solo parents and are a source of advice and an opportunity to share experiences. Many women today make a conscious decision to have a child without a partner.

Others are parenting solo due to a relationship break-up or death. Whatever the circumstances, I think mothers raising children on their own are only mighty.