I am approaching my 40th birthday and rather than looking for a partner, I’ve decided I want to become a mother.

I returned to my family’s farm at the start of the pandemic, having lived in a city for almost 15 years where my career was my sole focus and I saw no place for children in my life.

I had a few relationships, none of which were too serious, and since re-locating to my home county I haven’t had any success in meeting ‘the one’, despite going through the motions with dating apps. I went on a few dates and met some nice men, but none I had any spark with.

And I’ve decided that’s fine. I don’t think having a man in my life would complete me, whereas I think being a mother would.

My parents were very shocked when I first told them my plan, but I think the more they think about having a grandchild on the farm – I’m an only child – the more they’re coming around to the idea. I renovated my granny’s old cottage on the land, so if I do have a child, we’d be living very close to Mam and Dad who are in their 60s and are still in great health.

I have some savings but I was also planning on looking into the HSE scheme.

Saying all this Miriam, I am still confused and apprehensive about doing this alone. Am I mad to be even considering becoming a single parent or is this something I should do when I truly believe I have a lot to offer a child?

A Munster reader

Dear reader,

The decision to have a child is not one to take lightly but it sounds like this is an idea you have considered for some time.

More and more women are opting to become parents without a partner. It would be worth researching if there are any support groups near you where you could meet others to get an honest perspective on the reality of life as a single mother from the very beginning.

Ask both the practical and emotional questions on how they navigated the journey, but also remember that each person’s situation is different.

Unfortunately, you don’t qualify for the HSE scheme as one of the access criteria is that you must be in a relationship of no less than one year to be eligible. Furthermore, it’s not available where a donor's sperm is required.

It would be worth researching if there are any support groups near you where you could meet others to get an honest perspective on the reality of life as a single mother from the very beginning

That however, does not mean you cannot pursue private treatment in your goal to become a mother. If this is something you have set your heart on, I wouldn’t delay in getting started. Fertility treatments such as in vitro fertilisation (IVF) do not work as well in women over 40, so to have the best chances of getting pregnant, the earlier you start the better.

Bear in mind that under the current legislation, a sperm donor must agree to open contact with the donor-conceived child upon reaching 18. You won’t have access to information that will identify who the donor is, but the child can request this when they turn 18. It is something to consider for the future.

It can be confusing to know what to do, but there is one question you should consider: which path would you regret not taking? I wish you the best in whatever decision you make. While you can seek advice here, and from others, only you will know the right road to take.

Do you have a problem you would like to share? If so, write in confidence to: Dear Miriam, Agony Aunt, Irish Country Living, Irish Farmers Journal, Irish Farm Centre, Bluebell, Dublin 12, or email miriam@farmersjournal.ie