The mood of a friend or loved one seems low and you are very concerned about them. You want them to see a doctor but they don’t.
“That’s a common theme in calls to our helpline,” says Dr Susan Brannick, clinical director of Aware, the mental health support charity.
“We are asked frequently how do we best support a loved one who is experiencing mental health difficulties, eg depression? There are a number of things you can do,” says Susan.
1 Ground yourself first
The first thing to think about is where you’re at yourself. Are you in a good place to have an open conversation that might be difficult in parts? The person may tell you about how they feel – that’s the hope – but this conversation could also be challenging.
Check in with yourself and your own mood. Try to open up this conversation when you feel able to be present. Why should you ground yourself first? Because consistently prioritising someone else’s wellbeing at the expense of our own can cause harm, both to them and you.
If you place all of your energies on caring for someone else, hoping that when they feel better you will too, you are leaving yourself at risk of ending up feeling exhausted, demoralised, upset, distressed, angry and possibly even depressed.
2 Not just down to you
Remember that it’s not down to one person to fix the problem. Try to be mindful of taking all that responsibility upon yourself.
3 You don’t have to fix the problem
This is an important general principle. We often think that, if someone tells us what’s going on for them, we have to make it better or fix it.
However, often isn’t possible. Instead it can be helpful to offer someone a space to talk, without having to offer a solution.
4 You don’t have to be a health professional
You don’t have to be a professional to ask somebody how they are doing. Remember that you are equals in this. You are both having a conversation together looking at the problem. It isn’t about trying to make the other person feel better magically.
If you do feel that you can have this conversation, prepare yourself for it as well as you can. Get support from your GP or Aware and it’s really important that you’re not holding that worry alone.
5 Listen, listen, listen
The most important thing is being able to listen. We aren’t always good at listening. It’s a very valuable space to offer someone, simply to listen to what they are saying.
Yes, you are both on the same team, in it together, but remember they are going to know more about what their own struggle (with depression or other mental health condition) is like than you will. Be trustworthy and respectful in offering that space for conversation, reassuring them that this is a private conversation.
6 You don’t have to have the answers
That’s a really important message. We have to forget the idea that unless you can offer a solution you haven’t really offered anything.
Remember, you don’t have to get it right. You don’t have to be right. It’s the listening space that is really key.
7 Talk about the elephant in the room
Academic research has shown that many people with mental health
difficulties do find it helpful to talk so it’s about opening up an avenue for that.
Often there can be ‘an elephant in the room’, a problem that isn’t talked about which can be isolating. It’s about dipping a toe into what it might be possible to ask.
8 Don’t get into a discussion about what caused the depression
It’s better to steer away from bringing assumptions in about why the person is depressed.
9 Don’t dwell on why they shouldn’t be depressed, in your opinion
Also don’t say why you think they shouldn’t be depressed. Phrases like, ‘you’ve got a great family, job, house etc’ may be easy to say but it can make the person feel worse.
Support might be about just spending time with them, texting them or phoning them, or popping in to see them – whatever kind of relationship you have with them.
10 Talk about other things too
Mental health is just one aspect of the person’s life – talk about other things too.
11 Be patient
Sometimes when a person is depressed, things slow down for them. It can take a bit of time and space for someone to speak so being patient is important.
Also, someone may not want to speak about it and they don’t have to – it’s an important boundary. It’s about going at the person’s pace and letting them know that that space is available when they want it.
12 Use the language they use
We all have our own ways of describing how we feel. Maybe they’ll say they are fed up or tired so stick with that language.
13 Use open rather than closed questions
Avoid giving direct advice. Instead you could say ‘what makes you feel a bit better? what have you done already that helps’?
That’s an open conversation. Your trying to empower someone to think about what they know is helpful to them rather than you saying ‘this will help you’ because we don’t know that.
It’s about helping the person to open up and draw from their own resources and their own experience of living with something for quite a long time.
14 Think about what you can offer
Support can be practical as well as emotional. Practical support could be helping with childcare, or helping them find professional support. It’s about having a think about what you can offer. Maybe you can’t offer anything at that time and that’s OK too.
Alternatively, ask the person what would be helpful. They may not know the answer but even asking that question may be appreciated.
15 You can’t force someone to get help
While you can do things like suggest an Aware group for example and provide contact details, it is important not to force someone to get help. That boundary is really important. It’s up to the person. When they are ready they will go. (unless it is a crisis situation, eg suicide ideation – see note above).
While you can’t make someone go to the doctor, you can, if they want to, support them when they do go, or text afterwards to see how it went. Let the person determine what’s going to be helpful.
It is important to note that these tips are not advice for a crisis situation, eg where someone is feeling suicidal. If that is the situation, Aware has the following advice:
If you are clear that this person is at immediate risk of suicide, call the emergency services and ask for an ambulance or go immediately to A&E.
Get and take help. Discuss your concerns with a GP, another family member, a friend. If appropriate, contact the person’s doctor and/or medical health professional to inform them of your concerns.
Additional helplines:
Aware: Information, support and peer groups. Freephone 1800 80 48 48, 10am to 10pm; https://www.aware.ie/
Pieta: Freephone 1800 247 247, any time; pieta.ie
Text About It: A free, 24/7 service. Free-text HELLO to 50808 for an anonymous chat with a trained volunteer
Samaritans: Services are available 24 hours a day. Freephone 116 123, any time; samaritans.ie
HUGG: Email support@hugg.ie or call 01 513 4048 (monitored answering machine)